Reach and Flexibility
by whirleeq
Summary: A humorous series of one-shots leading up to some yummy, hot one on one turian-human action. Chapter 2: The Lip Chew Incident up. FemShep/Garrus
1. Research

Okay guys, this is going to be a series of smutty, humorous one shots, ending in some hot femShep/Garrus one on one action. I didn't want to be the first to... *cough* _go there,_ so we can all thank both Amku and Lady Marionette for... er... being the first people to fire up the main cannon and making sure it was safe for use. :P

Warning: I hardly ever beta my stuff; too impatient. Hopefully it's not that bad....

Enjoy, and please review... I love reviews ;).

* * *

**Chapter 1 - Research**

* * *

"Officer Vakarian, you have an urgent message at your private terminal."

The smooth and somewhat generic human voice that EDI used for communications gave him a bit of a start. They were in the middle of scanning a methane based gas giant for resources, so he couldn't possibly be needed for an away mission. And he knew that Shepard wouldn't be hailing him so soon after their... conversation. So with a hint of wary curiosity, he flipped opened his terminal. Peripherally, he saw the construct of light that represented EDI was flickering with what he'd have sworn was mirth if he didn't know better. He gave the AI a _look_, feeling exceptionally silly about the wasted gesture when the hologram merely flickered in response.

Shaking his head he briefly scanned his new messages. He frowned to himself. It had been a while since he had checked his messages, and to his consternation, his mailbox was nearly overflowing with extra-net spam.

No, he did not need an Asari bio-organic compound to help improve the length of his ridges. Delete. No, he had no desire to take a correspondence course on knitting via the hanar extra-net, although he was sure those jellyfish were quite capable at their craft. Delete. No, he had never entered the Volus galactic sweepstakes, and wasn't going to send his financial information to some shady character on Irune to collect his winnings. Delete. And dammit, they were all going to die anyway on this mission regardless of whether or not he forwarded the chain letter originating from the elcor he had a passing acquaintance with on the Citidel, [sincere warning] or not.

Delete, Delete, Delete.

He was about to close his terminal and brush the whole thing off as a practical joke from the AI when he saw that there were a couple of messages from Mordin; neither of them with a subject, although it appeared that the second message had several holo attachments.

He opened the first of the two messages, noticing that the damned AI was flickering even more erratically than before. With more than a hint of apprehension, he began to read.

* * *

_Officer Garrus Vakarian:_

_Many ways to relieve stress. Inter-species intercourse not uncommon in Citadel space. _

_Many ways to help people. Concern for friends paramount. _

_Warn that human and turian biology not entirely compatible. Can result in injury or severe allergic reaction if bodily fluids ingested. Will locate some educational holos to help reduce risk._

_Suggest intense study and repeated review. _

_--Mordin._

_

* * *

  
_

If turians could blush, he was sure he'd be almost purple. He shut his console off and jumped back a few steps. How the hell did that amphibian even _know?_ It hadn't even been an hour since his conversation with Shepard, and he was _sure_ that no one had overheard –

He shot a fierce glare over at where EDI was practically flickering in and out of visibility.

"Officer Vakarian, there is one more unread message from Doctor Solus."

"I will get to it later, EDI," he growled, forcing himself to return to his calculations. Where the hell was he? Oh, right, working on an algorithm to attempt to boost the life of the main cannon before it shut down from overuse.

… and that wasn't helping him keep his thoughts focused on his work in the slightest.

"The second message from Doctor Solus is also marked urgent, Officer Vakarian. If you are otherwise occupied, I can forward it on to Commander Shepard."

"NO!"

He had a brief vision of meeting the Cerberus engineer who thought that installing a sentient AI on the rebuilt Normandy was a fine idea... and of wrapping his talons around the poor human's neck.

"I will read the message, EDI. That will not be necessary. At all. Ever."

"As you wish, Officer Vakarian. Logging you out."

With a flick of a talon, he turned the console back on, ignoring the intense feeling of anxiety washing over him, and the resulting nausea in his stomach.

* * *

_Officer Garrus Vakarian:_

_Extreme lack of turian-human holos on extra-net; assume relations between species remain significantly impeded from relay 314 incident. Not to worry; human female biology close enough to asari; attaching turian-asari holos for review. _

_Would like to offer services as holographer for encounter. Consider making educational video to assist future turian-human encounters._

_Many ways to help people._

_Any questions, more than happy to answer. Doctor-patient confidentiality assured._

_--Mordin_

_

* * *

  
_

Mother of all spirits, he was never going to be able to look the salarian in the face again. Ever.

"Would you like me to play one of the holos for you, Officer Vakarian?"

EDI didn't wait for his answer before the usual ball type thing that represented her consciousness winked out and was replaced by an image of a naked turian male, sitting on the edge of a bed. He couldn't help but notice that the turian was extremely interested in whatever was happening just outside of the range of the holo; unplated and, er, _excited. _

The turian subconscious mind tends to catalog little details, before the conscious mind catches up. So he noticed the very loud techno based club music playing in the background, the wine glasses sitting half empty on top of the night stand, and the fact that the turian on the bed was rather gifted before he remembered that his door was wide open and anyone could walk in on him at any second.

Sure enough, the holo hadn't even been playing for a full thirty seconds before Rupert piped in from the galley; the mess sergeant's voice tinged with humor.

"What the hell are ya listening to, Vakarian? If I didn't know ya better, I'd think you were playing a bad porn holo."

"Er, sorry! Just some... ah... random soundtrack in the music database. I'll turn it down," he shouted back, feeling his collar ridge heat up.

"EDI, decrease volume 75% _right now_," he ordered in the turian equivalent of a hiss, and ran to the door to shut it.

In his haste to cover his tracks, it didn't even occur to him to just tell the AI to shut the holo off. Instead, he found himself tampering with the door controls. He checked three times to ensure he had bricked them well enough so that they could only be activated from his side of the door before turning back towards the holo, where the turian was no longer alone in the frame.

A well formed asari maiden had stepped into the picture, fully naked. She had a supple waist, and her light blue skin was subtly freckled. She looked young, delicate, and familiar somehow. Probably one of the dancers from Chora's Den or Afterlife; spirits knew he spent enough time at both clubs to have met plenty of the asari that worked the club circuit. It wasn't all that surprising that one of them would find her way into a holo like this; the sex business was the sex business after all.

Garrus leaned against the wall and watched, despite himself. He was already distracted enough and didn't think he was in the right mental place for performing mission critical calculations. And besides, the holo was already playing, and he really should take the good doctor's advice. He didn't want to hurt Shepard, after all.

Yep, this was all for her benefit. Might as well take some mental notes.

The asari almost slithered her way over to the turian, her hips swaying back and forth hypnotically.

"Hey baby," the asari said in a naggingly familiar voice. Too bad her face was hidden from view; he was really curious now as to which stripper he was watching. "Oooh, you're such a big boy. Is that all for me?"

"You know it, my lovely blue goddess of sex. Now come and get it!"

And suddenly, the nausea came flooding back with a vengeance.

"EDI, any way we can mute the dialogue?" Garrus asked, practically groaning in exasperation. This was the doctor's idea of an educational video? He should have reminded himself that salarians don't engage in sexual reproduction.

"I'm sorry, Officer Vakarian. There is no separate audio track for dialogue in this holo. If it makes any difference, I have pre-screened this holo and can ensure that the main characters do not engage in a significant amount of dialogue."

"Thank you EDI, that was both... thoughtful and at the same time, more than a bit disturbing. Just... reduce volume by another 10%."

"As you wish, Officer Vakarian."

Garrus was starting to feel a bit ridiculous, standing in the main battery, watching badly produced asari holo-porn and not for the first time was wondering what he got himself into when the asari suddenly dropped to her knees in front of the turian. The turian threw his head back with a growl as the asari began to do something with her mouth that had Garrus's head turned almost completely sideways to confirm that, yes, she was doing exactly what he thought she was doing... and that the other turian seemed to be enjoying it tremendously.

That... er... turian females just did not _do_. The thought of all those sharp teeth around his...

Garrus winced, and yet he found himself completely riveted, focused on the holo, wondering if human females could do... that. Shepard had soft.. plushy... what do they call them? Lips? And her teeth were flat like an asari's, not pointed like a turian's...

The turian in the holo was ripping the mattress underneath him nearly to shreds with his talons in his pleasure.

Garrus swallowed. The damned ship could blow up, and he'd die semi-plated in the main battery, watching asari porn, and thinking about all the various uses of Shepard's lovely, pink mouth...

He'd never be able to look at Shepard's mouth the same way... ever...

His heated thoughts of Shepard's mouth were shattered when an image of Mordin appeared superimposed over the holo. The Mordin figure was pointing at where the turian and the asari were _connected_.

"Suggest extreme caution: ingestion of dextro-protien based fluids by humans dangerous. Anaphylactic shock possible."

The Mordin figure examined the asari and shook his head disapprovingly.

"Not safe for asari either," the holo Mordin continued. "Have prophylactics suitable to protect --"

A few hasty clicks on his console, and the holo skipped ahead several minutes.

Garrus blinked.

Thankfully, the Mordin figure was gone from the holo, because he was sure would not be able to mentally handle his current and abrupt state of arousal with the image of the doctor in front of him and his well meaning, but thoroughly deflating clinical observations.

The asari was now seated on the turian's lap, her head pillowed on the turian's collar ridge and her lips attacking the turian's neck. The asari appeared to be biting him, as she rocked back and forth on top of him, the two attached as intimately as possible. It wasn't a position normally used by turian's while mating, simply because turian females were all hard angles and even harder exo-plating, and as a result, accessible positions were... limited. The asari, however, had no such difficulty in bending and twisting her soft, supple body to accommodate her companion, who was using one taloned hand to gently knead one of the asari's...

For the life of him, he couldn't remember what they were called. The asari sure did seem to enjoy the turian's attention to them, however.

_Shepard's are much nicer,_ he couldn't help but think. _Probably softer too._

He wondered if she'd make noises like that if he touched them...

The turian's other hand was firmly wrapped around the asari's waist as she moved, her flesh vibrating and making a small slapping noise each time she came down on top of the turian. Her movements seemed to be getting more and more irregular with each trip up and down on the turian's lap, and he found himself holding his breath and picturing in his mind pale, peach colored skin instead of asari blue, and the Commander's sensual voice raised in passion and himself in the place of the other turian and ---

--- and the asari's head fell forward in her climax, and she opened her eyes and seemed to stare right at him, and ---

Garrus Vakarian, Turian, former c-sec officer of the Citadel and Gunnery Officer of the Normandy, who had come face to face with his mortality more times than he could count, had never moved so fast in his life.

_Delete, Delete, Delete._

There were things he never, ever, ever needed to know about Dr. Liara T'soni, and he could have quite happily gone his _entire life_ none the wiser about. Her post coitus expression being right up there at number one.

Garrus groaned. As if he already wasn't scarred for life as it was.

That was it. The last straw. Mordin asked for it. It was _on_.

"EDI, can you transcribe a message for me and send it? Oh, and make sure to mark it _urgent_."

"Certainly, Officer Vakarian."

* * *

Dr. Mordin Solus was quietly researching a hypoallergenic salve that he planned on providing for the Commander before her dalliance with the turian. He was proud of himself for his insight; the turian and the human both were so hormonally charged, he was sure that neither one were considering the consequences of engaging in a sexual act without the proper precautions. They were both lucky to have him around to look out for their best interests.

"Dr. Solus, you have a new message at your private terminal. It is marked urgent."

"Thank you, EDI. Checking now."

The salarian doctor tilted his head at the subject of the message. It sounded serious. He put aside his research and began to read...

* * *

_[SINCERE WARNING]. URGENT REPSONSE REQUESTED... _

* * *

_fin_


	2. The Lip Chew Incident

A/N: O.o HOLY FRAK! Thank you for all the reviews, people! I don't think I've ever had such a positive response to a first chapter, and in the humor/romance genre, which I've never written in before, it means a lot! You guys rock!!! Either that, or you're all a bunch of xeno-loving pervs...

Nothing wrong with that... really...

*ahem*

Anyway, here's more r&f – reviews, as always, are pure joy.

* * *

**Chapter 2 - The Lip Chew Incident**

* * *

Commander Jane Shepard sat at her desk in her quarters with her private terminal open, and viciously chewed on her bottom lip. It wasn't a habit she was proud of, and one she'd developed as a result her association with Dr. Liara T'soni,

She could recall each and every time the asari worried her bottom lip in her head, along with the words accompanying the gesture.

Lip chew incident the first occurred soon after recruiting the asari doctor. She'd found her in the cargo hold, trying on some light armor she had specifically salvaged for herself.

"I'm sorry, Commander. The mantis armor looked small, so I didn't think it would possibly fit -- "

"It's fine, Liara. You can have it. Just... stop there. _Please_."

Lip chew incident the second occurred at 2:37 am on deck 2 of the first Normandy, soon after Liara joined the crew.

"I'm sorry about your pajamas, Commander. I was only trying to be considerate. I was told it was customary to --"

"Liara?"

"Yes Commander?"

"For future reference, only human _men_ leave the seat up."

And then there was the disastrous lip chew incident the third when both Alenko and Liara cornered her in the cargo area of the first Normandy, just before the confrontation with Saren.

"Make up your mind, Shepard," Alenko growled, while Liara sucked her bottom lip into her mouth. "You can't keep dancing around us like this, Shepard. Make a choice. Do you want her... or me?"

"Wait, where's my option for both? How come it's not on my conversation wheel? Is there a glitch? What the hell?"

"_Shepard!"_

And so with a brief thought to Liara, Commander Shepard sat at her desk and worried her lip until it was practically swollen. She was all dressed and ready for her next mission, and was simply waiting for Joker to inform her that the Normandy had successfully settled into orbit around Pragia.

Personal missions in general made her nervous; this one more so than most because it was for Jack, and the biotic didn't seem to like her much to begin with. Add the fact the facility they intended to destroy was owned by Cerberus, and it was more than enough to have Shepard sufficiently on edge. There were many, many ways this could go bad, all of which were weighing heavily on her mind.

"We will be within shuttle range within the next 10 minutes, Commander."

"Roger that, Joker. I'll be down in a bit."

Shepard flipped open her terminal, intending to send a quick message to both Garrus and Jack, and paused when she saw that her mailbox was almost filled to capacity.

"Strange..."

It was unsettling to find her mailbox full, considering that she'd just checked it last night before retiring. Even more unsettling to find that nearly all of the messages originated from Dr. Solus.

Strange... the reclusive salaran wasn't very chatty at the best of times. What could be so important to the doctor as to flood her mailbox with it?

Curious, she began to read.

_Commander Jane Shepard:_

_Received message from Officer Garrus Vakarian. Turians not prone to superstition. Could be risky to disregard. Suggest forwarding to others as instructed. _

_Regards,_

_Mordin_

_[SINCERE WARNING] URGENT RESPONSE REQUESTED_

_DEAR SIR/MADAM:_

_[APPREHENSION] IT IS OF UTMOST IMPORANCE THAT YOU READ THIS _

_MESSAGE IN ITS ENTIRETY. THIS MESSAGE ORIGINATED FROM THE PROTHEANS _

_AND HAS BEEN IN CIRCULATION FOR OVER –_

Shepard frowned, clicked delete, and opened the next unread message in her inbox.

_Commander Jane Shepard:_

_Salarians do not possess hair follicles. Conjecture: Officer Garrus Vakarian provided incorrect address when forwarding. However, have researched product suggested and could be of use based on personal observations of Commander's age and appearance. Suggest placing an order._

_Did you know ???? _

_Men are not the only ones who suffer from baldness. Female pattern baldness usually  
begins at age of 30, becoming only more and more noticeable as the years go by --_

Shepard's left eye began to twitch.

Delete.

_Increase the size of your.._

Delete.

_You have won the..._

Delete.

_Looking for love? For only 25000 credits, you too can own a..._

No. Just.... _no_.

Frowning, she stepped away from her private terminal, took a swig of her coffee, and stepped over to the AI console in the corner of her quarters, coffee mug in hand.

"EDI, could you please provide the location of Dr. Mordin Solus?"

The AI flickered into visibility.

"Doctor Mordin Solus is in Airlock one."

Commander Shepard took another swig of her coffee.

"Airlock one? Why would..."

"Subject Zero is also in Airlock one."

The porcelain coffee mug slipped from her grasp and shattered on the floor as she considered the implications.

"Noted. On my way. EDI, please advise Jack not to airlock the good doctor until I get down there?"

"As you wish, Commander Shepard. Logging you off."

She made a beeline for the elevator, pressed the button for the CIC deck, and waited, pacing back and forth, as the elevator slowly kicked into gear.

"You'd think they would have improved the speed of these things, but no...." she muttered under her breath, as an illustration of the Normandy SR-2 appeared on the screen in front of her. A little orange box representing the elevator she was riding slowly descended onto the CIC deck and sat there for about thirty seven seconds before the door finally opened.

Shepard hit the ground running, almost knocking over a couple of crew members standing around idly in the CIC in her haste to reach the airlock.

"Good Morning, Commander. You have unread --"

"Not now, Kelly."

"But --"

"I said, _not now!_"

She was completely out of breath when she reached the airlock, but her arrival couldn't have been more timely. She burst into the room to find the salarian doctor held upside down by a biotic field.

"Get the fuck out, Commander. Froggy here is getting air locked, I don't care what you have to say."

"Jack..."

"Don't you 'Jack' me. This fucker seems to think I need breast implants, and hair replacement therapy!"

"Useful advice --" Mordin choked out.

"Shut up, Mordin, you're not helping your case at all," Shepard growled at the salarian before turning to the biotic. "Put him down, Jack."

"What? No way; he's going out the --"

"Put him down, and go get yourself ready. We're in orbit around Pragia, and I need you at 100 percent. You don't want to waste your energy on the doctor, do you?"

Jack attempted to stare her down, all the while maintaining her biotic hold on the upside down salarian. Shepard narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms in response. They stood, locked in a staring contest for what seemed like several minutes before Jack finally broke eye contact with Shepard, unceremoniously releasing her biotic hold on the salarian.

Shepard winced in sympathy as the doctor hit the ground head first with a loud 'thump'.

"Fine. But there better be some things to kill down there, Shepard, or I'm taking it out on you," Jack grumbled, storming out of the airlock.

Shepard waited until she was gone before reaching down and assisting the salarian back onto his feet.

"Thank you, Shepard. Was concerned for approximately 22.6 seconds that human biotic would make good on her threat," Mordin said, rubbing the back of his head.

The two of them started walking towards the lab.

"Yeah, about that... it's probably not a good idea to make any suggestions to Jack about... well about anything."

"Noted, Commander Shepard. Was trying to filter messages from Officer Vakarian. Believe they were addressed incorrectly. Have several dozen more still to go through."

"Uh-huh. I don't know what his game is, but he's playing you, Mordin. Those messages are all spam; just delete them."

Mordin's eyes widened in realization.

"I see."

"Garrus isn't one for games, unless provoked. Do you have any idea what could have provoked him, Mordin?"

The lab door closed behind them with a swish. Mordin met her eyes nervously before looking away.

"May have taken offense to advice offered. Only trying to help."

"Wait... advice? What advice?"

"Human-Turian mating positions, safety precautions. Concerned for your well-being, Shepard. Always."

Shepard found that the back of her neck was beginning to burn, and her bottom lip was back in between her teeth before she could finish processing what Mordin said.

"Human-Turian... wait, what?"

Mordin shrugged, and started keying in a sequence on his private terminal.

"Informed by EDI of mutual attraction. Take role as doctor very seriously. Need to ensure continued survival and well being of ship's captain and gunnery officer."

Shepard coughed into her fist, and had a brief, but beautiful vision of uploading a virus into EDI's main processor.

"Mordin, not that it's any of your business, but Garrus is important to me, and anyway I'm not going to die from... GAH!"

Shepard stopped, mid-sentence, as the salarian finished his input sequence, resulting in a hologram of a naked and very erect turian male appearing above his desk. Shepard couldn't help but notice how endowed the turian seemed to be... and were those ridges? Absently, she reached out towards the hologram, disrupting the light sequence and causing the hologram to flicker.

Shepard's voice was meek and tiny when she continued.

"On second thought, I understand your concern."

Shepard poked at the hologram once more, her eyes as wide as saucers. She turned her head to the side as the hologram rotated.

"So that's what happens with the plating..." she mumbled, half under her breath.

Mordin just blinked.

"Recommend caution. Warn of chafing."

Shepard cleared her throat.

"Umm... I can see why. Any other recommendations, as my doctor?"

"Matter of fact...yes. Take a seat, Shepard. Will be here a while."

* * *

This was getting ridiculous, Jack thought as she casually observed Shepard and Vakarian, sitting as far apart from each other on the other side of the shuttle as they could without falling out the door. Assholes never shut their damned mouths, and yet they hadn't said a word to each other the entire time they were on Pragia. Not that she was complaining; it was nice to just kill things without Shepard's running commentary or the turian's "One less to worry about" outburst every time he had a lucky shot. Jack was all for the quiet.

Still... it was out of character, and that bothered her. Something was up, and she wasn't in the _know_. She flipped the detonator from one hand to the other as she considered, and gave Shepard a look. And when she was sure she had the woman's attention, she pushed the button.

The results did not disappoint.

Shepard's eyes widened in disbelief. She banged on the door to the cockpit, a not so subtle message for the pilot to haul ass.

They barely cleared the blast radius when the shockwave hit, sending the shuttle on its side and Commander Shepard right into Vakarian's lap.

Shepard looked at Vakarian and bit her lip. Vakarian abruptly went rigid, his eyes narrowed and honed in on Shepard's mouth. He gave Shepard a look that was almost predatory.

Jack didn't have a thing for turians, but if such a look was directed her way she'd probably consider it.

Shepard paled, cleared her throat and shifted uncomfortably in his lap... which resulted in a low, but still audible growl from Vakarian.

The two of them stayed like that _far_ longer than necessary before hastily resuming their previous positions.

Shepard coughed into her hand and shot Jack a desperate, almost pleading look.

_No fucking way._

Jack's mouth fell open in disbelief. Shepard and Vakarian?

She turned away and looked out the window, wishing that the shuttle would hurry the hell up and get back to the Normandy. Things in her little corner of space on the engineering deck were a lot less complicated and made a helluva lot more sense.

* * *

_fin_


End file.
